What's up today?

Conversations with Myself

Is this ok?

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Scenario: Day 2 of my stupid fat loss diet. The morning went well. I played tennis for an hour then did an hour walk with my dog. No breakfast until 10am. For breakfast I had ‘Cafe ala Lara’- coffee with a LOT of coffee mate and a teaspoon of sugar, left over chicken jalfreezi (very little really) and some crab meat. Nothing else to eat until after training (weights lower body). Had some roast chicken breast and a couple of gerkins after (around 2pm). All good so far! Amazing me!

Home time. Four kids screaming at me. Homework. Tennis. Football. Dentist…RED WINE. That’s the way to go or I turn into a nag I can’t stand. Really! Wine must have some positive effects- mostly as a relaxant and mothers’ little helper. Seriously. How else can one survive such tedium? My friend calls it ‘ennui’. Raising four children full time can at times lead to lethargy and listlessness, particularly if one hasn’t made parenting a career. I sure haven’t! I’m a totally flawed mother I admit it. I love my children but they sure as hell annoy me. They are ANNOYING! Just the noise they make can drive one over the edge, let along to alcoholism.

Conversations with Myself

So What’s The Problem?

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Ok. Here is the scenario: want to drop body fat percentage to 20% by June, currently at 30%.

Goal to be able to do 3 pull ups by June

This is the problem: I woke up this morning craving steamed rice and that pork adobo sitting in the fridge. So I tell myself, ‘Ok, just give in. You’ll start again tomorrow.’ It doesn’t take much to convince me. I eat a bowl of steaming rice with adobo. Later I am at Mc Donald’s buying my son a double cheeseburger. This is our Monday routine- a treat for him for going to phonics class. And what do I do? I buy myself a Big Mac Meal. Ok, so I toss the three pieces of bread in the bin but into my tummy go the two patties and a handful of fries washed done with a medium coke zero. Not too bad considering I was on my way to Kickboxing, I comfort myself. I see myself in the gym mirror and I can’t get a handle on my reflection. I don’t look terribly fat but why do I ‘think’ I’m terribly fat. My brain, my brain, my brain…is there a way to hypnotise myself into seeing me as I am and being forgiving? And if I really believe I am better than what I think I am then what is this ridiculous struggle about? Or am I doomed to constantly let myself down. What a freakin’ drag!

 

Journal of Random Musings

A Moment: Spiralling Out of Control

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photo by Marta Lovina
I 

 sometimes imagine myself as a celestial body spiralling through space, being pulled by opposing forces towards what appears to be an unforeseen end. Planets, space, debris- all fly past me and I have no time, no power to stop, to breathe, to hold; I need to keep looking ahead, looking to my inevitable crash landing. In this movement called my life I often find myself sitting still but I know that I am moving, moving, moving all the time. I can’t stop. Points of focus whiz by me: my children, my husband, my family.  My children are weeding out, growing gangly and specific. I feel helpless. I should be doing more to guide them but they are growing too fast for me to make adjustments. They can only become themselves. All I can do is watch as they grow away from me into what I hope is fulfilment and joy. My husband is twirling in his own fashion and we appear to be on the same path but for how long? This fleeting life; it scares me. I wonder if I’d be better off flying solo. Is there even such a state? Or will there always be other points of focus to tug at my heart, distracting me and bringing fear. How do I freeze time? How do I move through time as if I were in a gallery enjoying moments at my own pace knowing I can always go back, that these moments don’t just disappear?

Then the helplessness fades, even this I can’t hold on to.  I look out and the world is beautiful.  I shove all the thoughts away, push them to the back of my mind because I can’t survive in that reality. That moment ends and I am distracted by going through the weeds of admin and logistics, the daily grind.  I keep moving.

photo above by Marta Lovina